if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
