Who did Billy Mays play for?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
