Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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