oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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