Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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