Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
