oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
