Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
tell me about the eggs