The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
