Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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