the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
