you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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