so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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