You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable