At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah