i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship