My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
