Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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