I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
