why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
