he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
