What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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