she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
