Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
