Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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