Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
