Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
