i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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