have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
