He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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