So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
