Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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