I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
