my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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