I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
