i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drunk is not a location!
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