Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
