I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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