and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just forgot I was standing up.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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