But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
