tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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