Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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