When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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