How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
