I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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