Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize