Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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