I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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