She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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