Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
