Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
