If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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