Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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