The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
