I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you win again, gameday.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
