Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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