How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
