this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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